sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
