I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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