oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
