I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize