i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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