i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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