good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
