Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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