connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
