O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
