I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
