what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
