I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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