By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
