I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
