So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
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