woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
