If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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