he was CRYING into my vagina
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
COCAINE IS GR8
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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