Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
