guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
