I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
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