I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
