the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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