I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
