I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Couch. On fire.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
