I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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