she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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