I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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