Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I fill condoms, not promises.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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