The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
