Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
