I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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