Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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