Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
