Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
