you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
