I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
