I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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