...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
