I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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