dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
