The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
