Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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