Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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