Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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