Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
