speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
