is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You made out with two different species that night
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
