Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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