This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
