I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
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