Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
