Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
