I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
