I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
